


Your Eyes Will Always Lead Me Straight Back Home

by divinelydecreed



Series: Of Rust, Dust, and Stardust [2]
Category: BLACKPINK (Band)
Genre: F/F, Heartbreaking, Unrequited Love, another angst au, but not really unrequited love, just two idiots who aren't good at feelings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-01
Updated: 2019-01-01
Packaged: 2019-10-02 06:11:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17259011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/divinelydecreed/pseuds/divinelydecreed
Summary: "If you ever asked me why do I keep coming back after all this time... well I don't know either. But do you know the feeling of going to different places, and seeing the beauty it has to offer, discovering all these different things you never really knew and never cared about in the first place, but you grew to love them eventually? But at the end of the day, you will always want to go home, because it's home after all. Yeah, that's what it feels like."Where Lisa keeps coming back to Jennie after all these years.





	Your Eyes Will Always Lead Me Straight Back Home

**Author's Note:**

> I made another story! Regarding of the dating news, I'm happy for Jennie, truly. It's just that I was really shocked and overwhelmed and I may need time to process everything that happened lmao, and writing stories is one of the things that helps me release these feelings and emotions that I have a hard time processing and describing. So, yeah I felt like writing another story and here it is, I hope you'll enjoy this : D

It's 3 am.

3 am is usually the time where everything feels different but it's still the same. The time where everything feels sincere and intimate. The time where reality somehow falter. The time where people release the sorrows residing in their hearts.

3 am, the time where the heartbroken, lonely and loved are awake.

And maybe you're all of those things.

You're at Jennie's house, in her bed laying next to her. You're supposed to be sleeping but it seems like every fiber of your being is awake and restless, it feels like there's a wildfire happening inside of you.

Everything burns.

She asked if you could stay the night with her because she misses your warmth, your jokes, your hugs, your smile, your eyes, and everything a friend shouldn't miss about you unless you are lovers, but the thing is you're not.

Or maybe you're just exaggerating and overacting. Maybe you shouldn't think about those things too much.

But sometimes you just can't help yourself, especially when she looks at you like you're the answer to her every question. Like you're the only person she has ever seen. Like you hold the universe. Like you're a revelation that she had discovered. Like you're the absolutes in every uncertainty.

But you know you aren't capable of doing and being those things, so they seem really unrealistic. But Jennie makes it feel true. She makes it feel true because she's Jennie, and all she ever did was believe in you even if you can't believe in yourself.

She looks at you like you can move mountains when all you can ever do is climb them. Hell, you're not even sure if you can even reach the top.

It's 3 am and you're laying with the person that always had your heart.

She's all cuddled up beside you. She's hugging your waist a little too tight like you're gonna drift at any moment. She kept pulling you closer even if the gap doesn't exist anymore. Her head rested on your neck, the tranquil breaths she exhales and inhales tickles you but you don't really mind, you can feel the smile that's plastered on her face even if she's asleep.

You kept caressing her hair, memorizing the feeling it gives you. It's smooth and soft, like how it's always been. You shifted the position of your head to get a better look at her and she seems so peaceful and content, like everything she ever wished for is there.

She's beautiful. She has always been.

_Oh, Jennie. You beautiful soul._ You let out a breath.

But looking at her makes you cry.

And then everything started to hit your chest again.

She's always been too beautiful, too mesmerizing for you to grasp.

You started to untangle her arms from your waist, it took you a few seconds to successfully do it. And you carefully sat up, you kept wiping these tears that are threatening to spill from your eyes but they keep coming back.

You shouldn't feel this way anymore. It's been a long time. But you know it's still there and you know it will never really disappear.

You know it has always been inscribed in your heart.

"Lisa" Her voice echoed so softly. You turn your head to look at her, even if it's dim you can still see every detail and outline of her face because of the luminous light of the moon. And god, she's so beautiful.

"yeah?" your voice sounded too quiet but also loud enough for her to hear.

"I thought you were gone. I couldn't feel your presence... I thought you left me." Jennie tells you in her soft voice, and you instantly melt at the sound.

You smiled because that seems unrealistic.

"me leaving you? that's impossible, Nini." You chuckled lightly. Her lips turned into a soft smile.

"why did you get up?" she asked, sitting up as well. She immediately held your hand and you couldn't help but smile. You held on tighter, you've always held on tighter, always been afraid to let her go.

This is better than nothing. No, this is better than everything.

"I couldn't sleep. I was thinking of making hot chocolate, maybe it would help," you answered. "I could make the both of us hot chocolate right now."

"Yeah, I'd love that," Jennie tells you, her smile never leaving her face.

You slowly got out of bed and made your way toward the kitchen. It took a couple of minutes for you to prepare the drink, you came back to her room with two mugs in your hand. Her smile and the bliss residing in her eyes are too bright, and you love it. Her smile could light up the darkest places in the world.

You sat down on her bed and shifted your position so you're facing her. You gave her the other mug and she took it gratefully and a little "thank you" came out of her mouth.

"why can't you sleep?" she asked then took a sip of hot chocolate.

You gave her a sad smile. After all these years, for once, you're ready to tell her the truth. You're ready to cave in and spit these words out your mouth. These words hid behind your mouth for a long time now, you're getting tired of its taste.

"I'm in love with you..." you tell her with so much sincerity, that feeling has always been honest and genuine, and it'll always be. You're honestly surprised your voice didn't crack at the first word.

"what..." Jennie whispers, shock evident in her voice. You can read the look on her face and she doesn't know how to react to this sudden confession.

you chuckled, the tone was bittersweet. "yeah, I'm in love with you. You heard that right." The taste of those words felt new, even though they stayed behind your teeth for so long.

Jennie tries composing herself. You know everything is bombarding her mind right now. "h-how long? For how long?" she perplexedly says.

"since I was 15..." you smiled, suddenly remembering every revelation at that age.

"it's been 9 years, Lisa..." Jennie whispers, and you can see the tears already threatening to fall from her eyes. "you've been hurting for 9 years and I didn't even know... and it's because of me." Jennie's voice kept cracking at every word.

you chuckled at the irony. You're supposed to be the one who's a sobbing mess, you're supposed to be the one who's voice kept cracking at every word that came out of her mouth, you're supposed to be the one who's crying.

"stop laughing..." Jennie pouted while she wiped the tears in her eyes.

"stop crying" you laughed and she swatted your arm lightly.

Maybe you aren't the only one who's hurting at this moment.

"it's been a long time, Jen." You breathed out, it felt heavy. "But I never really thought of you hurting me. You didn't know. I'm the one who's at fault here. I fell and I had to face the consequences." you let out a sigh.

"you could've told me though." Jennie counters. "you could've told me, Lisa. So I could've helped..."

"I was not ready, Jen." you tell her, your voice an octave higher, you kept caressing the handle of the mug. "I was never ready, and it's surprising that I'm telling you this."

"And even if I told you... I think nothing will really help." You let out a trembling sigh.

"Am I the reason why you and Chaeyoung broke up?" she asks, her voice came out as a whisper. You know she feels guilty and you feel bad because she didn't exactly do anything. 

She's just being Jennie, and you're just being Lisa. She's always someone else's and you've always been in love with her. _Like how it's always been_.

_Chaeyoung._

_Rosé._

You loved that girl. You loved her a little too much. She also loved you too. But you've always known, and she has always known. Both of you have always known that your gaze would always fall on Jennie if she's ever in the picture. Both of you knew that you always had a hard time to focus on other things when she's there.

You and Chaeyoung tried to be oblivious about it. You and Chaeyoung tried to blind yourselves with your love, even if the reality is crystal clear. You and Chaeyoung tried to be illiterate at the already written outcome.

You and Chaeyoung knew how it'll end even before it started.

But you did love her. You gave every love you can give her. And she accepted every bit of it.

She also loved you too much too. You felt it. You saw it.

You felt it. You felt it with her soft and gentle touches. You felt it when her lips were laced to your own. You felt it when the both of you are all snuggled up at the breezy nights in her apartment. You felt it when her hands were intertwined with yours.

You saw it. You saw it with her loving stares and gazes. You saw it when she sings you songs every night to help you fall asleep. You saw it when she smiles at the silly things you do. You saw it when she laughs at your lame jokes. You saw it when she's always been there to give you her proud smile at the little and big things you do. You've always seen it and it was one of the most beautiful things you've ever laid your eyes on.

But she knew and you knew that someone's already holding your heart.

It would always end the way it would.

"No, not really, I mean you were part of it but we've always known it'll end that way." You replied, sadness laced in your tone. "but I did love her. I really really did love her. I never did want to let her go, but if I did hold on it would be a mistake. We're still friends though, we loved each other a little too much to just end it at that. Both of us didn't want to lose each other." You smiled sadly. "We both know we make each other happy, so we decided to be friends."

"Everyone thought you and Chaeng will have that forever everyone wishes to have. I thought that too, but both of you never reached that." Jennie says in a quiet yet dejected voice, looking down at her mug with downcast eyes. "when you two broke up it felt unrealistic. Cause I've seen how you two loved each other and everyone never expected that day where you two decided to let it all go."

"I mean we didn't really let each other go completely. It's just that... maybe she wasn't my person. Maybe we've always meant to be friends." You tell her then took a careful sip of your hot chocolate that's almost forgotten.

"why did you come back to me?" Jennie asked softly finally looking up to meet your eyes. Her eyes are searching and seeking for answers. "Why did you came back to me when you had someone so beautiful?".

"I knew you'd ask that." you gave her a foolish smile. "If you ever ask me why do I keep coming back after all this time... well I don't know either." You tell her.

You never really knew the answer to that question.

"But do you know the feeling of going to different places, and seeing the beauty it has to offer, discovering all these different things you never really knew and never cared about in the first place, but you grew to love them eventually? But at the end of the day, you will always want to go home, because it's home after all. Yeah, that's what it feels like." And for the first time, you can feel your tears starting to spill.

"I swear Chaeyoung is one of the wonders in this world. Oh god, that girl is so beautiful. Anyone would be mesmerized at the beauty she radiates. And her soul is just so kind and beautiful. I was so lucky to see that and to even experience that. But you, darling, you've always been home and I would never trade you for any place in the world. I would always end up coming back to you" The first tear fell from your eyes.

"And you know, that's what's scary." You tell her in a quiet voice, but the sorrow is still there. "No matter how many beautiful and amazing girls I'd meet, you could just smile at me and I'd instantly come back to you." You let out a pathetic sigh. "I love you too much that I'm scared what I would do for you."

"But the sad thing is... you don't feel the same way." The sight of Jennie crying, the sight of Jennie being her beautiful self, all these unspoken feelings you've kept for so long that are now making their way out of your mouth, the pain you've always kept in silence, every feeling, every emotion, every heartbreak, every sorrow, and everything are starting to manifest, they're making their mark on your body and now you're starting to feel them. Your chest starts to burn, it's _burning, burning and burning_ , like a newborn star that etched itself in the universe.

"You never really saw me. I guess you wouldn't even look for me in a crowd. But you, you've always been my focal point. And I kept searching for you in every crowd." you try to suppress your sobs. "and I swear I really tried to find other girls out there but I I just... I can never do it because they're not you. And I really want to move on but it seemed that I've always found home in your heart." You paused, trying to suppress the sobs that are making their way out of your throat.

"But... someone already lives there. And there's not enough room for me." You're now crying. "I wish you could've loved me too, Jennie." Your words are trembling. "I wish you could've loved me too..." your voice trailed off.

"But you can't have everything you want." You sobbed.

"Promise me," you gave her a soft and sad smile. You held her hand and intertwined them with yours. "That you'll marry the person who's willing to give you the universe. Never settle for anything less, you've always deserved the universe, Kim." You tell her. You're holding her delicate face. You're looking at her with so much sincerity. You're drowning as you say those words. You love her so you're willing to get your heart broken again and again and again, and you wouldn't mind because it's Jennie.

It's Jennie, it will always be Jennie.

"Promise me, Kim." You let out a light chuckle and held out your pinky finger for her to intertwine.

"I promise." She locks her pinky finger with yours. Her voice is trembling, you can hear the pain it elicits.

"Good... that's all I ever wished for." You tell her.

You kissed her forehead. You let your lips linger there for a good moment, your silently telling her that you really, really, _really_ love her. You're not sure if she gets the message. And you pulled away, taking the now-empty mugs and made your way toward the kitchen.

When you came back you saw Jennie already lying down on her bed. You just smiled and went back to your position. You blankly stared at the ceiling for a little too long, the only thing running in your head is your wish that everything would be the way it has always been, that everything would be alright. It's a stupid thing to wish for because there's a huge part of you that knows that things don't work that way. But you still hoped for it, it's never too bad to hope for good and stable things.

Like nothing ever happened.

 

_Yeah, like nothing ever happened._

 

And finally, you closed your eyes and you let sleep take you in.

 

tomorrow came.

You woke up. You felt Jennie's presence wasn't there. But her scent is still there. 

It's like she never left at all.

She's probably in the kitchen or whatever.

You got up from her bed and quickly went to the bathroom-that's linked to her room- to get ready for today.

After doing all your business you went out of her room.

And the first thing you saw was Kai back-hugging her while she cooked something while wearing the biggest goofy smile dancing on her face.

_Oh, he's here already._ You inwardly thought to yourself.

The sight feels so paradoxical. But you're happy for her. For them.

That's what you think.

That's what you like to think.

As soon as Jennie felt your presence she quickly looked at you and gave you the warmest smile she could muster.

_So beautiful._ You let out a breath of amazement.

"Good morning, Lili." She greets you like last night didn't happen at all. Like nothing ever happened at all.

"Morning" Kai greets. He pulled away from Jennie then gave her a quick peck on the cheek, and went to sit on the kitchen counter.

_They're such a beautiful couple._ You tell yourself even though there's a bitter feeling that starts to engrave itself in your heart as you admit those words.

You wish the best for them.

You wish the best for her. You have always wanted the best for her.

"Lili, stay with us for a bit. I'm already making breakfast." You heard Jennie say. And you quickly snapped out of your train of thought.

"No, thank you. I need to fix something at home, Jisoo texted me a little while ago that she almost set our apartment on fire. You know what, I should probably get a new roommate." You lied, sprinkling it with a bit of humor so it would hide the pain it holds. The both of them laughed.

"But Lis, can you stay? Please? Just a little bit longer?" Jennie pouted and you tried your best to not fall under that trap.

_I'm sorry, but not this time, Jen._

You don't want to ruin the peaceful atmosphere.

You don't want to ruin them.

You went to get your bag that's been sitting on the couch since yesterday. Before you leave you heard Jennie call out your name.

"Lisa!" You looked at her.

She gave the spatula to Kai and quickly padded to your direction.

"What is it?" You gave her a smile then tuck a piece of her hair behind her ear. An impulse that manifests itself out of nowhere.

She didn't say anything and just hugged you, tightly. You were surprised, she barely hugs you this tight.

"Hey is there something wrong? Do I need to treat you ice cream again?" You chuckled lightly.

Jennie pulled away from the hug. You can't decipher the look residing in her eyes. "About last night..."

You cut her off before she could finish her sentence. "I shouldn't have told you. I know it's fucking up your head but I hope that confession doesn't change our friendship. I don't ever want to lose you, Jen."

She didn't say anything. But she looked like she wanted to, but decided to keep her mouth shut.

"I need to go now." You gave her forehead a kiss, letting it linger there for a good second. Once you pulled away, you cupped her face and stared longingly at her momentarily, a part of you just wants to kiss her right now, it seems so easy to do it but you're not supposed to. Instead, you let your hands fall from her face and you quickly averted your gaze.

You slowly walked toward the door, you looked at her one last time.

"I love-" you cut yourself from saying it. Jennie looks at you, like really _looks_ at you, it seems like she's waiting for you to say those three words. Her eyes are anticipating, waiting. But you didn't say it.

It's always been like that.

You eat the words so she never got the chance to taste them.

"Bye Jen. See you." You smiled and walked out of her apartment.

You left not knowing you carried two hearts back home.


End file.
